Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
