Pappa wants mamma naked
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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