It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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