i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
