if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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