I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
