Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Small penises have feelings too.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Randomize
