and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Farmville is her only friend.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
