she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
