I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
