Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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