I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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