I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
