I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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