I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
