I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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