the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
we should paint friendship bongs
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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