The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
