We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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