you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
