Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
