I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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