I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
