Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
