if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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