two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
