There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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