I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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