Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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