I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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