Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
