I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
