There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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