Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
