I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You have to summon your inner elephant
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
