the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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