The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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