cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
