The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
