Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
