If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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