Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
