Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
