I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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