I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
