Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
