Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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