Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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