I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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