if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
